The self reflection that the new year brings is a pain in the ass. I have come to the conclusion that I am not happy. I am unclear as to what is making me unhappy. Lets look at the suspects (watch out here comes a list).
1. Jobness
It's alright. Not bad. Not great. But not bad. Consulting is a weird business. I'm not sure if its the company I'm with or the industry in general but just when I get wrapped up enough in a project to want to really invest myself I'm reminded that there's no budget for xyz. This creates an environment in which I am constantly clock watching to ensure that I'm billing appropriately AND that I'm not overly cheating myself by donating too many hours to a legitimate billable project. I've become suspicious that the phrase "The project has no budget" is nothing more than a management control mechanism to make the rats work more for less. Then again, I love my hours which are fairly flexible under my boss. The company generally requests an 8-5 attendance but our group pretty much comes and goes as needed as long as we make our 40 hours of minimum billables. For someone like me who has an inconsistent internal clock that's pretty preciouse.
2. Grad school...in what and where?
Do I do it now? The year I alloted myself between completing the BS and starting the Masters has flown by and now I feel like I'm late getting back. Precisely what I'm getting back to is unclear. Although I feel a degree of certainty that I will get my masters I feel like I should probably get a move on given that the BS took so long from start to finish.
3. I want to work and live abroad.
There are a couple of oppurtunities in Spain within my company that may be available to me. That should just be it. But when I think about it, sharp shooting doubt from some undisclosed location inside me goes on the attack and I find myself uncertain and fearful of this option. When did this happen? When did I become timid and afraid of taking chances? The very realistic questions of logistic, finances, the adequacy of my language skills all become mired in the fear and thus far I've done no fact finding to further this option. I need to get over that.
4. The non-existent love life.
As much as I wish I could not address it the specific avoidance itself indicates that there is an issue. But I don't really know what to say. I'm sure that the company of a compatible person would undoubtedly provide some measure of comfort or at the very least distraction. But when I look back on things I feel like despite the fun, intimacy, and memories created most if not all my relationships boil down to being just distractions getting in the way of getting things done. I feel no impulse to actively seek it out nor am I passively creating oppurtunities. What really worries me though is the apathy has spread to friends...even making the time to see friends and meet with them feel more laborious than it should. The good thing is, that when I do make the effort I never regret it and have always enjoyed their company so maybe I'm over-worrying now. OK well enough of that.
I wonder if its just that I've never learned to live a balanced life in a specific moment. I live a balanced life,on average. If I average out my states of being over the course of my life the extremes cancel themselves out and there's some sort of balance. I definitely envy the people who have been able to identify their goals and follow through while incorporating their social and love life into the mix. Maybe that should really be my goal. Have job, keep learning, live a life. Ultimately, I want to live a life of
grace.
