Saturday a little before 9 a.m.

There was a knocking on my bedroom door. It was my brother in law.

“I just wanted to let you know that an ambulance is on its way”, he said in an intentionally calm voice.

“WHAT?! WHY?!”, I shrieked.

“Rose is in a lot of pain”

I ran to their bedroom and there was my sister in her red robe holding her stomach writhing in pain. The cops came first then the ambulance.

A cat scan and ten hours later she went into surgery to remove the softball sized cyst that surrounded her ovary. The operation was supposed to last an hour. It ended up being two and a half. By the time they went in the cyst had burst and they realized she had endometriosis which had caused many of her organs to fuse together. They removed the cyst and the scar tissue that had caused the fusing.

Around 9 pm she was given a bed in the oncology floor because there were no other beds available in the hospital since the hospital was “booked” this weekend.
The following day, Sunday, she had a fever, abnormal heart rate, low blood pressure and poor waste output despite the fluids she was receiving through her IV. It was decided that she should be moved to the Critical Care Unit where her condition could be better monitored. It was then that the parade of doctors began. Specialist after specialist came to poke and prod. Fluids went in to re-hydrate, kill pain, and fight infection. Fluids were taken out for testing.

Initially, we had expected her to be released today, Monday, but now it looks like it won’t be until well into the weekend. Despite, this I was much relieved today since she seemed to be staying conscious for longer periods and we were able to have some conversation with her. She had better mobility and was moving and shifting herself on the bed as best as she could considering the large gash running through her viscera. When we came back from dinner tonight, though, her temperature had gone up again.

After she comes home from the hospital we are told that she will have to stay home for at least 4-6 weeks and that she will have to be treated for the next six months for endometriosis.

My mother comes back from her trip to the Philippines this Saturday. For the sake of her sanity we have decided to tell her only after she’s home.

I recognized the theory that one day one of the sisters would be ill but I was not prepared for it to be now. Barring accidents I thought we had decades yet. But here it is. And even if it was later it would still be too soon.

It’s hard to believe that sitting in a chair could be so tiring but over twelve hours of watching someone you love fight to live is exhausting. The last few days have been filled with disbelief, fear, relief, fear, but most of all the sense of helplessness that comes when all you can do is be present, when all you have is a cool cloth to press against fevered flesh, when holding her hand or feet or whatever you can get to without disturbing the tubes is more for your benefit than for hers.

the streak is broken

I haven't posted in a while since I've been enjoying the new photoblog and I was busy playing with that toy. I am happy to report that there was a 3 day streak of normal sleeping patterns of going to bed at a reasonable hour and waking up at a reasonable hour. That streak has ended tonight. I am closing in on 5 am and have to be at work tomorrow at 9 am. Zoinks.

The Apprentice

Wow. It got pretty weird and game showy when the walls came apart and they did that bit with the live studio audience. Bizarre.

Bush is a fool

Did anybody catch the televised press conference on Tuesday? If you didn't then you can go to
whitehouse.gov and catch the transcript.

It was better than Saturday Night Live.

Here are my favorite bits.

Q Mr. President, why are you and the Vice President insisting on appearing together before the 9/11 Commission? And, Mr. President, who will you be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?

THE PRESIDENT: We will find that out soon. That's what Mr. Brahimi is doing; he's figuring out the nature of the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over. And, secondly, because the 9/11 Commission wants to ask us questions, that's why we're meeting. And I look forward to meeting with them and answering their questions.

Q I was asking why you're appearing together, rather than separately, which was their request.

THE PRESIDENT: Because it's a good chance for both of us to answer questions that the 9/11 Commission is looking forward to asking us, and I'm looking forward to answering them.

OK. Great, you're looking forward, but why are you appearing together?

"The American people may decide to change -- that's democracy. I don't think so, I don't think so."

What does that mean? Does that mean that the American people's version of democracy does not correspond to that of George Bush's? Does that mean that he will, in fact, completely disregard their desire to end this war to achieve his own goals?

Q Thank you, Mr. President. Sir, you've made it very clear tonight that you're committed to continuing the mission in Iraq. Yet, as Terry pointed out, increasing numbers of Americans have qualms about it. And this is an election year. Will it have been worth it, even if you lose your job because of it?

THE PRESIDENT: I don't plan on losing my job. I plan on telling the American people that I've got a plan to win the war on terror.

You might not be planning on it but we are. Oh and thanks for planning to tell us about your plan. Now-ish would be good.


Q Thank you, Mr. President. In the last campaign, you were asked a question about the biggest mistake you'd made in your life, and you used to like to joke that it was trading Sammy Sosa. You've looked back before 9/11 for what mistakes might have been made. After 9/11, what would your biggest mistake be, would you say, and what lessons have you learned from it?

THE PRESIDENT: I wish you would have given me this written question ahead of time, so I could plan for it. (Laughter.) John, I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could have done it better this way, or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with an answer, but it hadn't yet.

Because if the reporter had wanted your staff to answer the question he would have asked them.

not mated exactly

hey! i got pictures up!

learnin learnin learnin

now if i could only get my photoblog and this blog to mate...

the anti-stalker

It occurred to me today on the drive home that blogging is the antithesis to stalking. Instead of following prey stealthily until ready to pounce, we who blog, in fact, lie in wait wanting to be pounced upon.

oldies but goodies

“Young Goodman Brown” by Nathaniel Hawthorne your basic paranoia runs rampant story. All I have to say is that if by the end of our lives if we have not walked through the fires of a hell of our own making then we haven’t really lived. I resent the tone of the ending of the story. I realize that this was set, what? a century ago, still, I believe in purification by fire, in the idea that questioning and being suspicious of accepted mores is a means of remaining vigilant against complacency.

“The Fall of the House of Usher” by Edgar Allan Poe your basic should have listened to your paranoia story. We are all bound to something. We are all consequences of the past. On a different note have you ever had that wacked out friend come to you for help and you try and try and try to help and then seeing that you are being sucked into the vortex of their destruction you have to flee to survive? This story is that for me. Maybe I’m a bad friend.

“Bartleby the Scrivener A Story of Wall Street” by Herman Melville your basic “is this the life I’m living?” story. I’ve been a Roy Roger’s cashier, a GAP sales girl, i have been a Sports Authority, a Hilton reception/concierge, a receptionist, an office manager, a waitress. I have known tedious work that I would have preferred not to do. I am far from numb and I am far from curling up against a wall and wasting away. Is it wrong to want to slap Bartleby? Is it wrong to want to dig up Melville, drag his ever lovin’ soul from whatever heaven or hell it resides and show him the commercials for Zoloft, Paxil, and Wellbutrin and yell, “what the fuck??!!???” to his face?

--Really though, when did it become so bad to feel bad? Granted I am a shade masochistic but I really believe that it is ok to feel the full range of emotions.

As for living a mechanical life, fine. Don’t do that. Do something else but for god’s sake DO something.

Wow, got pretty worked up there.

Time to revelate baby.

yet more evidence that i am unable to keep track of my own time line

i was trying to figure out my schedule for next fall and i made a list of classes that i still had to take and it turns out that i really don't have that much left. err...i hesitate to put it in writing but yeah...a semester and a half...unless i'm a half-wit, i'm almost done. that was a surprise. i've been so busy making sure my head stayed down and i didn't get distracted that all of a sudden i'm here(woops i mean almost there). 2 years you say. well, yeah, 2 years have gone by just like that. but haven't the years always passed at that speed?

i'm planning my next fast. the last (and first) one was in november and i had wanted to wait six months before i did another one which should just give me enough to recover from the stress of finals before cleansing. but damn...i would love to go on one now just so i could get this inconsistent sleeping disorder under control.

i know why i can't remember my dreams!!

it's because i can't go to sleep...dammit...