dreams you can't remember

if across an ocean I can still hear your heartbeat
then are you still mine?

we met at that ravine
the foot path worn to a groove
by lovers who nod at us in passing
heedless of dark clouds rushing in
enraptured by the seduction of thunder
from butterfly wings
harp strums in their lobes

and i?
i tremble in my hiking boots
trembling i clench my intestines
all butterflies
ready for a blow

my mother always cried when she beat me
i imagine it made it hurt less for her

and me?
me, I cried when you called
and even when the weeping waned
and the headache set in
i remained clenched

and you?
you cried too
i imagine it made it hurt less for you

the ground threatens to part with each boom from above
an earthquake from the skies
Kushner’s heavenquakes releasing
multi-dimensional gravity that
will crush me
any moment now

the phone will ring
or that’s what I hoped secretly,
and sometimes it did
and sometimes we’d talk
but really we never said anything anyway
so what’s the point now

if in the night I wake calling your name and you hear me in your dream
do I tell you when you call me
to tell me you had a dream about me last night
but can’t remember what it was about

and when I dig your picture out from that dusty box that
smells and feels slightly of cat urine
and feel nothing
the memories are distant and they belong to somebody else
these days I don’t feel much of anything.

so I looked for thunder on the internet
and no amount of gratuitous porn
could stun me like those days at the canyon
when you would ask “What are you thinking?”
and I would look over the edge and say
Jumping

the valley below looked
way way away
to touch
no matter how convincing gravity was

empty inside.
not a waiting emptiness this
no one else holding the glass pitcher
with free re-fills
this is a pay by the glass kind of joint

what if I only had enough
for those two glasses
that never quiet quenched

it is not a desert that I find myself in
sustenance a plenty
but it’s the ambrosia that will quell
looking to the skies
hoping the next clap
will open heaven
let fall on my lips
sweetness