dreams i can't remember

Old friends are important

2008-09-09T00:23:00.004-04:00

They are a repository of memories you've lost along the way.

Bionic Eyes

2008-02-19T17:56:00.004-05:00

I had Lasik eye surgery on January 25. So far I am ecstatic about the results. I definitely would recommend it to everybody. The whole thing lasted about 10 minutes. There was about, cumulative, 60 seconds of sheer visceral panic when you have to will yourself into stillness. Then the 40 minutes immediately after while you are resting in a quiet dim room you are conscious of this increasing pain/discomfort in your eyes and you wonder "What the hell did I do?". But after that it was a breeze. From then on I opened my eyes and already I could see across the room clearly.

Overall the surgery itself was what I imagine being abducted by aliens is like. There was a room. Sporadic bright lights, sporadic blindness, the floating heads of my surgeon and the nurse that would come in and out of my line of sight, disembodied voices and the smell of burning flesh. With that said, it was totally worth it.

I had a next day follow up on Saturday and I was already at 20/20 from my previous 20/800. The doctor said it should get a little better than 20/20 by the time it's all said and done. I have another follow up this Saturday so we'll see what I have by then.

For now I'm just making sure I don't touch my eye and I wear sunglasses when I leave the house to prevent the wind from drying me out excessively and at night I wear an eye guard so I don't accidentally rub my eyes in my sleep. I was prepared to have a couple of blood spots in my eyes until my body flushes out the clots from the broken blood vessels but I only had them for less than a week before they completely dissappeared.. I had to administer steriods and anti-bacterial drops every four hours for this first week as well as a lubricant every 1 hour or more as needed for the next few months. The one hour interval is sufficient if I'm not working but I need to apply it significantly more often when I sit in front of the computer.

The first week it was so incredible. I felt like I had bionic eyes. For the first 2 weeks I continued to make the "taking off my glasses" motion before I stepped into the shower. Now in the third week I am still amazed and often find myself staring out the window of the office to a window of the neighboring office building which is at least a hundred yards away with a big grin on my face as I peep into the activities of that office.

I have to say that I did minimal research on Lasik prior to making and executing the decision. It just felt like the right time when I found out that I was a candidate and had it done within a week of making a decision. This seems to be a notable trend for my best made decisions. Decide and do people. In retrospect I'm really glad because I think I may have been a little more freaked out if I had done the research.

Jobness

2007-05-31T22:43:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned, another co-worker left my company. As I result I have inherited her projects some of which she had inherited from those that had left before. I was on the verge of freaking out but I think that I've finally bent my head around it. Still, I mourn the loss of the easy summer I assumed I would have before she gave her notice.

Last week some company big wigs came to our office. Partly to figure out why our region has had so many people leave lately. Partly to inform the accounting department which is the entire first floor that they are being centralized to another state by October. They then immediately had a mandatory pep talk with the entire office during which they did not mention this during the entire talk.

Two weeks ago we got a company wide e-mail celebrating the advent of summer hours in which employees were encouraged to alter their schedule so that they could leave by noon on Fridays. This Tuesday my boss had to tell us that after some consideration those in a position to do so had decided that this was not practical or feasible for our region. Since everybody but the admin staff has incredibly flexible hours it affects a limited group. It's still Indian giving.

That same week an anouncement went out that our office had finally gotten three cars for shared use. It was all very exciting because now we no longer had to subject our personal vehicles to the wear and tear of field work. That is until we were told this week that we couldn't use them for the field.

Today one of the women in my office came to warn me to watch where I stepped because as she was walking down the stairs she saw what she though was chocolate on one of the steps. As she went to brush it aside she felt the unmistakeable sensation of foot settling in poop and the air became musty with that distinct scent. In addition, she informed me that one of the women in accounting had recently spotted a larger poop on the floor in the recess that once contained the building ATM. That woman is convinced it's human.

Catch Up

2007-05-31T22:28:00.000-04:00

Still a smoker.

----------------------------------------------------
Went to Boston for St. Pat's weekend here's a recap:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to limit some of the tale as we have instituted a "What happens in Boston, stays in Boston" policy on some of the events that occurred:

1. Tammy and I left at 11 am and arrived in our hotel at 10:30 pm. Alas, we missed out on making a 4-5 hour drive into a 12 hour journey but hey we and mother nature gave it a shot. Scariest ride EVER...still, there was a sense of accomplishment in making it to Boston alive. NOTHING CAN STOP US *mwahhahhahaha*. As you can imagine we were beat ass tired (I'd been up since 2:45 am in order to work so that I could get stuff done and we could "get in front of the storm"-silly Irene)

2. Saturday we left our hotel at noon and headed over to Fenuil Hall Market Place to start our bar hopping. We were joined by Tammy's friends, mostly chicks and I was relieved that they were multi-colored as I assumed that I would be spending the weeked with a bunch of silly white chicks. They turned out to be cool people. Allow me to introduce the crew:

Jess - Tammy describes her as a taller, curvier Fergie. I agree.

The blonde - I can't believe that I don't remember her name! Total cutie/hottie. Jess's cousin. FUN!
Yasmin - cute, petite, latina? who I could swear I'd met before. She turned out to be the nimble-ist of nimble dancers and if the club we ended up in had a chandelier (it only had an out of reach swing) she definitely would have been hanging off of it.

Kelly - quiet girl of unknown origin but brown...soft spoken...gentle soul...very chill all night

Natasha - Jess's (all of those "esses" can't be right) roommate...beautiful black girl...again very chill can tell a hell of an embarrassing story about her roommate

Adam - The blonde's brother, Jess's cousin, Natasha's boyfriend. Scruffy.

Andy - The blonde's brother, Jess's cousin. We lost him.

Chris - The poor unfortunate soul who was born a year too late. Friend of Adam's. He was due to go into the military Monday so this was suppose to be a last hurrah weekend. Since he was 20 he couldn't join us at the club we were at for the majority of the day.

Tammy - crazy-super-psyched-about-St-Pats-and-I've-got-the-green-glitter-eye-shadow-clover-earings-beads-rings-clover-WAND-never-mind-all-the-shirts-socks-hats-and-pajamas-to-prove-it girl. Maybe you've met?

Irene - I'm in love with that girl!

3. We entered our second bar (called BOSTON ROCKS!) around 1:30/2:00 AND NEVER LEFT....We were just going to pop in for a drink and we ended up stumbling into a very empty club. Immediately after we arrived they started charging a cover so we were super psyched about the freebie but a little skeptical about the lame emptiness of the place. Little did we know. The club was on the second floor Quincy Market so had a pretty good view of the plaza outside. Matt I shit you not people started coming from all directions towards Fenuil Hall Market Place and the place was packed in a blink! The DJ played an amazing set all day. And please note that I keep referring to day because as the festivities wore on and we got more and more wasted we would look out a window and realize that it was still DAYLIGHT out...bizzarre. My body was telling me it was 6 in the morning when it was just turning six at night! Drop Kick's were featured prominantly in the DJ set....The rest of the night is pretty much censored.

4. We all headed to Southie for the parade. Unlike the NY parade this was much smaller and more intimate and you could actually interact with the people in the parade. Odd things seen in the parade (not at the parade but people that were official marchers):

Drunk, drunk, drunk cops. One was ballsy enough to be take shots from a series of test tubes he carried as he marched down the street.

An army of storm troopers, accompanied by Darth Vader

A man riding a car that looked like he made it himself onto which he had attached an almost life sized camel to the front so that the camel appeared to be pulling his makeshift vehicle. And oh yeah...I think it was on some sort of gangsta style pnuematic pumpage thing so that it raised and lowered at will...sweet.

5. Home sweet home on Sunday...a far less stressful trip than our ride up.

Next year is pretty much a sure thing for Boston...open invite...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Yet another co-worker I liked left and it's really depressing.

----------------------------------------------------------------

I pulled 7 ticks off of me last week.

Lies Lies Lies

2007-03-11T05:10:00.000-04:00

Despite the previous post's insistent tone I have returned to my smoker self. Quiting is hard business.

A hookah flew in to my mouth

2007-01-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

After the gloating nature of the last post of course it was only natural that I took a running dive off of the wagon. Saturday night found me reconnecting with an old friend who loves her smokey treats. And so I allowed a bottle of red and fond memories to sway me and I had a couple of cigs before heading in to the city. I was OK with it. In the past there would have been self-recriminations piled high but I'm over that. I was OK with it. The evening develops and we end up at an Egyptian lounge and what do you know? Hookah time! I'm not really sure how much tobacco is in a hookah but off I went.

Still, other than feeling extremely dried out all Sunday I haven't experienced any smoking cravings as a result.

Junkie

2007-01-12T10:14:00.000-05:00

Celebrate me father for I have abstained. It's been six days 7 hours 26 minutes since my last cigarette.

Let's see at about $6.50 per pack with a 2 pack per week habit and assuming an averge winter smoking time of 10 minutes per cig (that includes all the bundling up and getting up and down the elevator at blah blah blah) and buying into the idea that each cig takes away 7 minutes from your life, I figure that thus far:

I have saved $13.00.
I have gotten back approximately 400 minutes (6.67 hours) that would have been used for smoking.
I will live 280 minutes (4.67 hours) longer.

O.K. it's later

2007-01-02T23:13:00.000-05:00

The self reflection that the new year brings is a pain in the ass. I have come to the conclusion that I am not happy. I am unclear as to what is making me unhappy. Lets look at the suspects (watch out here comes a list).

1. Jobness
It's alright. Not bad. Not great. But not bad. Consulting is a weird business. I'm not sure if its the company I'm with or the industry in general but just when I get wrapped up enough in a project to want to really invest myself I'm reminded that there's no budget for xyz. This creates an environment in which I am constantly clock watching to ensure that I'm billing appropriately AND that I'm not overly cheating myself by donating too many hours to a legitimate billable project. I've become suspicious that the phrase "The project has no budget" is nothing more than a management control mechanism to make the rats work more for less. Then again, I love my hours which are fairly flexible under my boss. The company generally requests an 8-5 attendance but our group pretty much comes and goes as needed as long as we make our 40 hours of minimum billables. For someone like me who has an inconsistent internal clock that's pretty preciouse.

2. Grad school...in what and where?
Do I do it now? The year I alloted myself between completing the BS and starting the Masters has flown by and now I feel like I'm late getting back. Precisely what I'm getting back to is unclear. Although I feel a degree of certainty that I will get my masters I feel like I should probably get a move on given that the BS took so long from start to finish.

3. I want to work and live abroad.
There are a couple of oppurtunities in Spain within my company that may be available to me. That should just be it. But when I think about it, sharp shooting doubt from some undisclosed location inside me goes on the attack and I find myself uncertain and fearful of this option. When did this happen? When did I become timid and afraid of taking chances? The very realistic questions of logistic, finances, the adequacy of my language skills all become mired in the fear and thus far I've done no fact finding to further this option. I need to get over that.

4. The non-existent love life.
As much as I wish I could not address it the specific avoidance itself indicates that there is an issue. But I don't really know what to say. I'm sure that the company of a compatible person would undoubtedly provide some measure of comfort or at the very least distraction. But when I look back on things I feel like despite the fun, intimacy, and memories created most if not all my relationships boil down to being just distractions getting in the way of getting things done. I feel no impulse to actively seek it out nor am I passively creating oppurtunities. What really worries me though is the apathy has spread to friends...even making the time to see friends and meet with them feel more laborious than it should. The good thing is, that when I do make the effort I never regret it and have always enjoyed their company so maybe I'm over-worrying now. OK well enough of that.

I wonder if its just that I've never learned to live a balanced life in a specific moment. I live a balanced life,on average. If I average out my states of being over the course of my life the extremes cancel themselves out and there's some sort of balance. I definitely envy the people who have been able to identify their goals and follow through while incorporating their social and love life into the mix. Maybe that should really be my goal. Have job, keep learning, live a life. Ultimately, I want to live a life of grace.

I'm not sure if I even remeber how to make this thing work

2007-01-02T22:43:00.000-05:00

Happiness is remembering you have a blog to come home to. After almost a year of silence I will attend to the requesite catch up (in list form no less):

1. I am still at the job which I had just landed when last I posted.
2. I have moved from Edison, NJ to Stanhope, NJ.

And well...that's it really. I guess I could have dispensed with the list format. Oh wait!

1a1. (yeah list format not so good for chronology recalled by a forgetful one) Went to Vegas to celebrate the baby's 21st. Good times...
1a. I led my first team of 7 people on a two week remote project. Wooohoo...fun in the mud.
1b. I went to Europe for a couple of weeks to see two of my friends marry each other. Stayed mostly in Spain and then went to Germany for a weekend in order to attend their 2 weddings...much fun was had.
1c. Did a FEMA gig for a week in upstate NY after a decent sized flood.
3. And now I have arrived, after a 5 year reprieve, at yet another LIFE CHOICE moment. More on that later and we shall agonize together...

Asi asi

2006-03-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

So I completed the my first month at the new job. So far it hasn't wowed me but it's getting warmer and hopefully I'll be out in the field more often because as of right now I'm spending half my time on a litigation support project and the other half mapping. This means that half of my weeks are spent on a project that I am, at best, ambivelant about. The other half of my week is spent burning out my retina while I kill my eardrums rocking to some tunes in attempt to cover the incredible quiet that is the office.

The good part is that my spanish "skills" are being used (who would have thunk it?). The litigation support project has me doing some translations on teh fly. That's neat.

There's been a complete reversal of my sleeping habbits. Whereas before I was still trying to get myself to sleep at 5 am I am now getting myself out of bed at that time. Altough as the weeks have passed I've found myself slipping and sliding and not getting up until 7 (today it was 8!). Past 10pm and I'm a zombie.

One night...many dreams...

2006-02-04T14:00:00.000-05:00

Dream segment #1

I was sleeping on the couch (in the dream and reality) when I felt a small animal walking all over me followed by a nibbling on my fingers. I assumed it was either my cat or my sister's dog trying to wake me up. When I opened my eyes (in my dream) I looked down to find a gigantic, black rodent licking and nibling my hands while other giant, black rodents roamed my on top of my body. That's when I woke up (in real life) with an audible "woah!"

Dream segment #2

I went straight back to the rodent dream. They weren't doing anything overtly threatening. They just seemed to want to wander around, on me and around me and elsewhere in the house. I could hear click click click as their nails met the hardwood floor. I was creeped out but since they weren't actually attacking I just pushed them away from my face, which some where trying to lick. I woke up (in real life) when my sister came back inside from walking the dog at 5 in the morning. He came in to lick my face, after I was already awake.

Dream segment #3

I moved to my bed to continue sleeping. When I went back to my dream world there was only one gigantic rodent left. It was just following me around the kitchen and staring intently at me. It was pissing me off and I turned the corner to the living room to yell at Chayna, my Siamese cat, to do something about the gigantic rodent. Just as I got her name left my lips she looked up from the Siamese kitten she was cradling on her belly with an annoyed but sheepish expression. It was her kitten but not her kitten. She's spayed so It was almost as if she adopted the kitten without my knowing it. That's when my sister woke me up to ask me if I wanted to go to breakfast.

Dream segment #4

I declined, wondering where the next dream segment was going to take me. When I fell back asleep I was at my oldest sister's house at a family/friend's gathering. There was a little boy at the dinner table that my sister and her fiance had apparantly adopted without telling anyone. In real life my sister and her fiance have taken have rescued two dogs and adore them. Their dream adopted son was well behaved and hesitant in the loud environment that my family keeps around them. I remember looking straight at him and realizing that he was cross between a little boy, and seal pup giving me the impression that he was the last giant rodent that wouldn't leave me alone from the dream before.

I woke up very tired today.

Daily dementia.

2006-02-03T08:58:00.000-05:00

So there I was eating left-over corned beef and cabbage for breakfast wondering why they don't box up that tastey treat for mass morning consumption when I realized I hadn't heated it enough (the core of my cabbage was too cool, see). Micro'd some more and ate with relish! Yum!

I had just finished smacking my lips and put the fork in the bowl when I realized that there was another fork which I remember putting down on the table before I reheated. I don't remember getting another fork. So the question is, where did the second fork come from?

foolish things i've done

2006-02-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

That whole tiger balm thing reminds me of that one unbearabley hot August night when I was living in Newark with Chaw. We were both adamant about never using the air conditioning in the house but it was so muggy that it was difficult to sleep. So I got the bright idea to put mineral ice all over myself. I thought it was a clever solution to the problem when I immediately started feeling cool all over, an immense relief from the overwhelming heat. But then I just kept getting cooler. I ended up sleeping under 3 heavy blankets that night with my teeth chattering because I was freezing.

When I told that story to my friend he tilted his head, looked at me and asked, "Why didn't you just take a shower and rinse the stuff off?"

I said, "I didn't know I had that option."

Job offer...woooohooo!

2006-02-01T12:22:00.000-05:00

Wooohooo! Awesome. I got a job offer yesterday as I was driving home to get ready for another iterview. Waiting on offer letter to be Fedexed by tomorrow hopefully.
Yeeeeha I say, yeeeeeeeeHA.

ps

I'd like to point out that the offer was received within my two week personal deadline to find a job. Last day at the restaurant was 1/17/06. Flippin awesome. But I've got some finagling to do with the insurance since I just went to the eye doctor.

-i

en fuego!!

2006-01-30T23:51:00.000-05:00

I went for a massage tonight. Since Willie left the parlor I have started usign another masuer, David. David needs to learn that when he has a tiger balm-like substance on his hand he needs to steer clear of my labia. In an effort to remove the tightness running up, very high up, my thigh he brushed up against the "national treasure of the philippines". Oh the burn...

Anti-climax, Nasty people, and Dave Chappelle

2006-01-29T14:08:00.000-05:00

I received my diploma in the mail on Friday. It was really anticlimactic. If it wasn't for the seals I could have printed out an 8.5x11 that said I graduated from the school. The memory of my 19 year old self mocks the current 30 year old me for having gotten suckered into the system.

As I was leaving Tony's Pizzaria today I was almost backed into by some horrible creature driving an SUV. In complete disregard for the fact Annie and I were walking across the path of her multi-ton vehicle she rushed to back up. As she passed me I looked her in the eye with the universal expression for "what the fuck is your problem?" I felt that was enough and moved on. But then when I was in my car and they were getting out of theirs she proceeded to give me the finger and then walk away. I had a momentary rush of indignation followed immediately by the sense that this was a pathetic miserable person. May your life provide you with all the appropriate misery you deserve.

For those of you wondering where Dave Chappelle is Matt from wherethehellismatt.com had an unexpected sighting. The sighting is towards the middle of the January 16th posting. I highly recommend the sight for those of us who yearn to travel the world but have neither the funds nor the current creativity to manage it.

The knife plunges

2006-01-27T04:41:00.000-05:00

This blurry shot is from a mangeant at the local high school. The man pageant used a "Blast from the past: A 1990's retrospective" theme and it was like an ice cold blade to the heart. Childrens, childrens...too soon...

Weird dreams

2006-01-26T11:45:00.000-05:00

The past two nights I've had some crazy dreams.

Tuesday night all I remember was that there was a fat, white woman dressed in a bright red bikini trying to kill my sister in our house. I woke up (in my dream) to her screaming and I chased the woman out the front door, grabbed a screw driver that was laying on the coffee table (in reality the exact screwdriver is on the coffee table), threw it at her back where it became lodged in her shoulder blade as she ran off.

Last night's dream involved me frollicking wiht a group of mostly unidentified friends/acquaintances (there was only one face that I could clearly identify, this guy that trained at our restaurant who I'm not that friendly with) driving cars around a racing circle during a slight snow storm. The cars didn't really run but we managed to get them to the top of this hill where we pushed them off and then drove them around the circle until the inertia wore off. Then I remember getting really excited because I received a brand new oldsmobile (but the coloring was from the 70's with a tan on darker tan coloring). There was an involved conversation about how it was smaller (more compact than normal oldsmobiles). Someone took the top of the car and at first I thought that it was a 2 seater but then felt foolish because it was actually a 5 seater but I was initially focusing on the two built in children seats in the back. I can't remember if we pushed it off the hill or not.

Not wanting to take it up the butt

2006-01-22T01:48:00.000-05:00

After 10 years I finally finished my bachelors degree. I can officially say that I always finish what I start. The time frame however, will always be at my discretion.

With the BS done I am on to the job hunt. I was mildly disturbed during a form filling session for some pre-interview paper work that I have been working for over 15 years without very much to show for it by way of material goods. Eh...

My last interview lasted 3 mind numbing hours while I interviewed with six different people and I left with an overwhelming sense of "I'm not sure I want't to work of this place afterall."

I "left the restaurant". The "" are because this will only be true if I find a job in less time than it takes me to blow through my meager savings. If the money's gone and the job is not found then it is back to the restaurant. I don't want to go back to the restaurant. By the same token I don't want to take it up the butt in some lame ass job that pays me less than the job(s) that I had before I dropped everything and went back to school.

New Phone

2005-12-06T15:41:00.000-05:00

At last after 4 years with my old phone I have finally upgraded and I'm totally diggin' on my new phone.

Stephin Merritt! Neil Gaiman!

2005-11-19T02:03:00.000-05:00

There are not enough exclamations to express my excitment. Stephin Merritt of Magnetic Fields is working on the musical adaptation of Coraline by Neil Gaiman. Oh my lovelies I am a flutter.

Ostrich mode

2005-11-15T15:31:00.000-05:00

Oh how I want to stick my head in the sand.

Change of scenery

2005-11-12T03:55:00.000-05:00

I finally gave in and changed the template because I couldn't stand the weirdness of that gigantic gap between the post title and the body in the first post displayed. But now the right bar? is sometimes up sometimes down. Crapadoodledoo.

From Friday to Now

2005-11-08T16:44:00.000-05:00

I'm a caffiene addict with black lung as a result of lowered immunity from the cumulative affects of exhaustion,smoking, and the first round of cold/bacteria/virus/mutato-thing for this winter. The coughing fits are really scary sounding, like beings from pit of hell are escaping the netherworld via my glass laced throat...and no...I don't get flu vaccinated because I don't believe in it's efficacy....

Que bueno

2005-11-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

create your own visited countries map

Fun!

2005-11-08T16:37:00.000-05:00

create your own visited states map

It's not quite genocide...W's going the roundabout way

2005-11-02T15:42:00.000-05:00

Then I start thinking about the passivity of our generation. Between 9/11, the war, and the corruption in our political system we're bombarded with disheartening events. What I find so amazing is not the corruption exists but that those behind it don't even seem to be covering their tracks anymore, as though they sense that the nation is so apathetic that short of killing 7 million in an act of outright genocide they can pretty much do whatever they want with little to no consideration to the middle and lower class and especially with disregard to the impoverished.

My professor mentioned in class last night that over the weekend he went to a benefit dinner given by a group comprised primarily of women who were/are prominent activists that who are now in their fifties and sixties. The main topic of dinner conversation was the disparity between their generation and ours. It struck them as strange that we aren't walking the streets protesting every (even ANY) of the injustices that populate this world. They were all wondering when the switch would finally flip for us. I wonder the same thing, in my own passive way.

It's not quite genocide but W and his crew will kill us all eventually. One group at a time

Back in the bog life again

2005-08-11T20:37:00.000-04:00

So I went to Las Vegas this past weekend. I was originally going to attend a friend's wedding but she cancelled about a month before the blessed event. So, it was Vegas just for fun. Seperate post and pictures to follow since I forgot to put the disk back into my camera and all my pictures are on Rosie's camera.

Our flight back got delayed two hours and I ended up gettind down to south Jersey at 4 am only to get up at 6 am in order to join the rest of the team for the first day in the field.

By 4pm that day I experienced cramping in my thighs and I was going through the shakes. When am I gonna learn...

To Purrcyville

2005-07-29T03:19:00.000-04:00

You were the most laid back cat that I've ever met, from the first time we met 13 years ago when I opened the bathroom door and almost stepped on you and your sister, Miranda. That first night I slept with the both of you on the kitchen floor and eventually you found the courage to snuggle up to me and from that moment on you had my heart. Even when you were confronted by the other crazy animals in the house from Chyna to Chillipepper and in the end Bailey you maintained your cool and looked upon all their antics with detached curiosity. I still carry the one inch scar you left on my arm from that hot summer afternoon, when you still liked to lay down on my stomach, when somebody came in to the room suddenly and startled you into making a dash for it, gauging me in the process.

Your death this afternoon didn't really hit me until I tried to go to work and broke down in great heaving sobs. I'm sorry I felt ridiculous for mourning you. You are more than deserving of my sorrow. I'm sorry if I let you go in pain too long. I hope that you enjoyed your life as much as we did. I hope you know how much I missed you when I came home tonight and you weren't there to greet me.

Be in pain-free peace.

2005-07-22T04:48:00.000-04:00

I find myself longing for the ideal state as described by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner in which:

...there is no fever of speculation, no inflamed desire for sudden wealth, where the poor are simple-minded and contented, and the rich are all honest and generous, where society is in a condition of primitive purity and politics is the occupation of only the capable and the patriotic...

2005-07-20T04:05:00.000-04:00

I cannot help but feel that we are on the verge of a revolution. America is not as young as it used to be and the cracks in the foundation are starting to show. It feels like we are about due.

The economic distance between rich and poor increases. Drive around most towns and counties and locate the invisible demarcation line that marks the good neighborhood from the bad and you will know what I mean.

We are being governed by politicians that we do not trust working a system that has been sold and resold a hundred times over. When did you start being suspicious of your government?

The fact that Bush is in his last term provides no comfort. If not him it will be some other fool fronting the angry mob that has since the dark ages learned to organize.

We are a generation of malcontents despite a steady diet of diversions in which we willingly participate if only to escape the burden of knowing that at some point we will actually have to do something.

Book Binging: Lies, Inc. by Philip K. Dick

2005-07-20T03:42:00.000-04:00

I just finished reading Lies, Inc. and I gotta tell ya'; I'm feeling kinda dumb. There is an entire quarter of the book that I don't understand. There's about 48 pages of words strung together that I can't seem to relate to the rest of the book. My confusion started at the LSD sequence and didn't end until Applebaum opened the damn tin. What the hell was that?

The afterword helped diminish some of my fears that today's exposure to the suffocation humidity and heat during my walk to the train and then back home had, in fact, cooked my brain. Apparently, as the afterword goes into detail, this story has gone through a bit of splicing and dicing with and without Dick at around the same 48 pages where I got lost. I don't feel so bad.

Except for the 48 pages that made me wonder if I was on drugs the story was fast paced adventure all the way and I can see Ben Affleck badly playing Applebaum in some future adaptation.

Book Binging: Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut

2005-07-20T03:33:00.000-04:00

I love me some Vonnegut. Galapagos opens conversationally with, "The thing was...". The book continues in that same fluid, natural manner that makes Vonnegut so fun to read. Never one to be disappointed with any story about the near annihilation of the human race, I found this book to be wittily charming, cautiously cautionary, and simultaneously simple and complex (simplex?).

Book Binging: Coraline

2005-07-17T07:48:00.000-04:00

O.K. So I'm feeling a little suckered on this one. I was making a mad dash through Barnes and Noble the other night to make sure that the unthinkable didn't happen for the rest of the summer. The unthinkable being that I finish one book and reach for another only to find that there isn't one. This happened to me last week and I must admit I panicked a little. Hence, my mad dash through Barnes and Noble the following day. So I stocked up on five books, among them Coraline by Neil Gaiman. I wasn't thinking. I wasn't really shopping sensibly. I just saw the author and grabbed. I mean I loved Neverwhere, American Gods, and loved loved loved looooooved (yeah I'm drooling so what) Good Omens.

Let this be a warning to you lest you fall into the same trap. Don't get me wrong. I probably would have enjoyed book..if I were five years old. The damn thing was a scary children's book. So if you're in the market for a good scary book for children then pick this one up.

bleh...it was pretty good...I just wanted something else...

Book Binging: Love In The Time Of Cholera

2005-07-17T07:26:00.000-04:00

After all these years of being told to read it I finally have. I do love me some Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Love In The Time Of Cholera is a beautiful book and Marquez makes me feel like I have the power to hear, smell, taste, and touch with my eyes as I read this generations spanning novel. But, dag nabit, he did it to me again. After drawing me in and drawing me in until I felt I had lived the 80+ years with the lovers in the story and that somehow my fate was tied to theirs he ended the story. This isn't just the normal sadness of finishing a good book and wishing there was more. He did it in One Hundred Years of Solitude. He did it in Of Love and Other Demons. He just ended the book. He ended it like a capricious lover who woke up one day and said to himself, "OK that's enough. We're through."

To lovers and authors all let me just say...baby...let me down easy.

Book Binging: The Eye of the Sybil

2005-07-12T22:43:00.000-04:00

I must be getting used to his style because this attempt at Philip K. Dick went much smoother than the last. The stories were much more coherent and engaging. Each story in the compilation,The Eye of the Sybil, were enjoyable and heavy with social recriminations without being didactic. They were all mildly creepy in the future they presented.

Book Binging: Sir Apropos of Nothing series

2005-07-12T22:28:00.000-04:00

Last week was indeed a good week for a binge. I went through Peter David's Sir Apropos of Nothing, The Woad to Wuin, and Tong Lashing. They were each a very easy read in the sense that David has that ungarbled style that comes from a background of comics and graphic novels.

The first book is the best in that it introduces the main character, Apropos, who is the antithesis to your basic hero, without being so noble as to be an anti-hero. The following two books spend too much time rehashing or making reference to events that occurred in the previous book(s). I'm more of a science fiction reader versus a fantasy reader but I still got enough of the jokes and references to enjoy it. Even if you are neither a science fiction nor a fantasy reader the series is still an enjoyable read for anyone tired of typical hero types. I love me some flawed human type characters.

Settle down kids and I'll tell you a tale, a tale of ear wax.

2005-06-30T06:44:00.000-04:00

A couple of years ago my friend Eberjan told me a story about how his brother tried one of those liquid ear wax removal products. He followed the directions and put some drops in each ear. Nothing happened. Sure, some wax came out but nothing that couldn't have been reached by Mr. Q-tip. A WEEK later, his brother was startled to hear sudden cracking noises coming from everywhere. Crack. CRAck. CRACK! Suddenly with a whoosh (actually I don't know if there was a whoosh but I like it here)STUFF came pouring out of his ears and by the way Eb said "stuff" I could only surmise that the stuff was odious indeed and seemingly unceasing. Afterwards he claimed that his hearing was vastly improved. By the time he finished telling me the story and by the time I stopped laughing the story had been permanently added to my cache of inappropriate conversations about body functions to be shared with everyone.

Within the following week I told the story to everyone I came across with varying reactions. Some laughed. Some turned away in disgust. It is the way of all things inappropriate about body functions to be shared with everyone. When I told my sister and after the tides of laughter had gentled she cocked her head to the side and said, "Well, actually....the cracking..."

apparently, when she was fifteen or sixteen, she was sitting with my aunt doing something or other when she heard a series of ambient cracking with no apparent source. My aunt looked at her and said, "What's that sticking out of your ear?"

My aunt proceeded to tug on the thing in my sister's ear, eventually employing the aid of tweezers. She proceeded to gently remove a whole, in tact, LEAF preserved in my sister's ear wax. My sister then remembered that when she was about five she was playing and in random kid fashion decided to put the leaf in her ear. Do you understand people???? She had a WHOLE, IN TACT, LEAF in her ear for 10 years!

Tuesday afternoon, I bought one of those liquid ear wax removal products. I followed the directions and put drops in each ear and not much happened. At around 3 am this morning my right ear itched and I rubbed the outside of my ear with my finger and felt something and grabbed it. In my hand, FROM INSIDE MY EAR CANAL, surrounded by dark ear wax was the backing to an earring. I have no idea how it got there. I have no idea how long it's been there. The directions on the box say I can use the thing for four days in a row and believe you me, I will. I recommend that you too use an appropriate ear wax removal product if only to see what you're stashing.

small indeed

2005-06-30T06:37:00.000-04:00

independent of me...

amul a boy i sometimes hung out with in high school is marrying
vibha a girl i sometimes hung out with in college

brother this world is crazy small. i sometimes feel like i'm nudging
elbows with myself.

crap. no sleep.

2005-06-25T10:26:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been yo-yoing between sleeping ALL the time and not sleeping at all. It has a lot to do with my work schedule thus far. I've been closing on all but one of my five shifts at the restaurant. By the time I get home and wind down the sun is already starting to come up and I end up sleeping the whole day until it's time to go back to work. No problem, I can adjust to that.

What REALLY fucks me up is when on one of my five shifts I go in for a mid-day shift. Today for example, I have to be at work at 12pm. Last night I closed the restaurant and did not leave until 3am this morning. It took a couple of hours to wind down and, oh yeah, there goes the sun. I was so paranoid that I'd sleep through my alarm, hence, my shift that I stayed up all night doing laundry and ironing my clothes. I did the same thing last Friday into Saturday (minus the laundry bit).

The up-shot is that I can see some floor space in my bedroom and I'm fully stocked on clean underwear (but not socks, for some reason most of my socks have disapeared off the face of the earth). The downer is now I'm totally beat and all I wanna do is sleep sleep sleep.

Nice

2005-06-22T22:12:00.000-04:00

States I've been to thus far.

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

The world is crazy.

2005-06-22T04:39:00.000-04:00

I got an e-mail from my best friend the other day with this story linked. Apparently, our friend's brother and his friend were shot the eve of their arrival in St. Thomas. They were there to attend a cousin's wedding. The police have no leads as to the cause.

For no apparent reason two young men are dead.

Book Binging: Goldie: A Lotus Grows in the Mud

2005-06-21T03:37:00.000-04:00

The scavenging continues. Since Sedaris wasn't all that filling I moved on to whatever was on top of the dining room table. Hence, Goldie: A Lotus Grows In The Mud, Goldie Hawn's autobiography.

Your treated to a couple of neat family pictures and Goldie Hawn comes across as the bubbly optimist who loves her family above all else. It's cute.

Book Binging: Me Talk Pretty One Day

2005-06-21T03:28:00.000-04:00

I've become a scavenging bibliophile. I picked up David Sedaris's Me Talk Pretty One Day because it was sitting on the coffee table and my sister has, of late been having a mild love affair with his work and Umberto Eco is slowly sucking the life out of me.

It was an easy read. Minor, but audible laughter was elicited. It's like listening to a satellite friend talk about his life.

Blech I don't want to go to work.

2005-06-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

Sun poisoning?

2005-06-14T05:20:00.000-04:00

Is there a bug going around or has the sun gotten really intense over the past decade? I went to the beach last Thursday and laid out for two and a half hours. I had spf 30 on from the waist up but I didn't put anything on my legs because I wanted to catch up on color. I ended up making a pearl* all night since I didn't get a chance to shower before going to work that night. I spent the next morning hot with a headache and ended up vomitting the three glasses of water I drank in attempt to rehydrate. What the heck?

* making a pearl is what happens when you have sand stuck up your kooch.

Bummer

2005-06-14T05:17:00.000-04:00

I was kind of bummed last week because I got a call from Dave asking if I wanted to go on, short notice, down south Jersey to do some field work for about 48 hours. Unfortunately, he called me mid-way through my day off and I was scheduled to work the rest of the week and the short notice was a 12 hours heads up. It was perfect except for the timing part.

The Mini-Vacation: Wandering Massachusetts

2005-06-07T20:36:00.000-04:00

Saturday I had breakfast with Mariano, who was kind enough to let me crash on his futon, said my good-byes and left to wander towards Marblehead. Mind you I did not make any hotel reservations, placing myself in the hands of fate. I recommend to anyone that they do that at least once in their lives. Go somewhere without a plan. It's liberating. I went into Marblehead and just took the town in. Spent some time on Old Burial Hill looking at headstones and looking over the harbor just visible over the tops of houses. For the most part I just drove around the area from Swampscott to Salem. The homogenation of America is well on its way. I stumbled across Captain Jack's Inn. I couldn't have found a better place to stay if I had planned it. It was an ocean front property with a pool and a jacuzzi and a winding access down to the ocean. I took advantage of that access to do sunset and morning yoga and it was terrific. The caretakers were very warm and eager to help me find whatever it was I was looking for. I highly recommend staying there to anyone. Here's the view from the third floor.

In the following conversations can be found a multitude of reasons why I am an idiot.

When calling the inn to see if they had rooms available.

Me: Hi! Do you have any rooms available?
Him: Fooorrr?
Me:(pause) For me to stay in! (uber cutesy voice in full force)
Him: (long pause)No. For how many people?

When asking about kayaking rentals in the area.

Me: Do you know if kayaking is allowed in the bay?
Her: What bay? You mean...the OCEAN?
Me: ...ok...(uber soft, uber small voice)

After a good fried oyster dinner at Dube's and a good night's rest I headed to Marblehead to hunt for some kayaking. I ran across a group from
Hobie doing a kayaking demo. How awesome is that?! I got to kayak the Atlantic Ocean rental fee free! I kept asking around and there was this myth that this guy sometimes rented out kayaks in Marblehead but most of the people I talked to knew nothing about it. So taking the locals' advice I headed north to Essex to kayak some more. I spent 3 hours kayaking the Essex River Basin. We took a break mid-way to lounge at a half-deserted beach.

Just the way I like them.

After that I ate 3lbs (that's right 3 POUNDS) of steamed clams, a box of onion rings, and a corn on the cobb at Woodman's. I was just settling into my meal when a group of three approached me.

Him: Wow. I gotta tell ya'. I just needed to come over here and say I thought I was eating a lot but wow. (accompanied by a pat on my shoulder)
Her: God bless you!
Me: Thanks...?

That's right bitches. I ate it all. After that it was a long drive home.

The Mini-Vacation: The Erasure Show

2005-06-07T19:50:00.000-04:00

I got things off to a good start with my new favorite breakfast combination, a corned beef hash omelet at the duchess. I arrived in Boston around 4:30 pm. Plenty of time for to be at the Avalon when doors opened at 6 pm, you say. Heck no! Not when there's a home game at Fenway Park which turns out to be right across the (very little) street from the venue! I knew parking was going to ridiculous and or expensive but man! An hour later I was in line waiting for the doors to open and entertained myself with some people watching. The people waiting in the line with me ran the gamut from mostly aging fags to the barely of-age fem-boys. The rest of the straight people came much later. I guess they weren't that obsessive about their Erasure fix. The club adjacent to the Avalon must have been having an all-age punk show, judging from the kids starting their own line in front of it. I watched a couple of Red Sox fan unknowingly wander to "our side" of the street and when they looked up they seemed startled, looking back and forth from the punked out kids behind us and the obviously beautiful gay men on our line. They immediately crossed the street.

Elkland opened with a few songs. They had catchy and fun songs. They had a very classic synthpop sound to them. The lead, Jon Pierce, sounds remarkably like a happy Morrissey.

Erasure was fantastic. Andy Bell was delightful as always. His hippity-hoppity dance sent the crowd (myself included) into a frenzy. It was a small stage but they made the most of it. Vince Clarke is adorable. He played all the fave classics and some stuff from the new album which sounded great live but sound awful in the samples provided by amazon.com. This was the closest I'd ever been to a group during a show. I was 5 people away from touching the stage. I'm really glad now that I didn't go to the New York show. I know I would never have been able to get that close to them otherwise. Surprisingly, the club and or Erasure, were really cool about pictures. The bouncers who were right in front of us didn't even look at us when we blatantly took out our cameras and there were no threatening signs prohibiting flash photography and the lot. Here are my 3 favorite pictures.

I left the show spent, sweaty, and exhilarated with a little bit of my voice.

Yeah! a mini-vacation

2005-06-02T01:52:00.000-04:00

I am officially on my mini-vacation in which I move through life with vaguely formed plans. I'm sticking around the area so that I can set a while with my ex-roommate who's family is in from Seattle tomorrow night. Friday morning-ish I'm leaving for Boston where I will simultaneously explode and implode at an Erasure concert. Afterwards I'm sure there will be beer and some fun and awkward reminiscing with Mariano, one of the foreign contingent from the NDI days. I'm crashing at his place Friday night, apparently with some other chick if I read his last weird-ish e-mail correctly. My plans to meet up with one of my high school friends has fallen through and I shall have to live with the disappointment of a boggle-less Saturday night. Still, this opens up the opportunity for me to camp out on one of the islands off of Boston harbor or just camp randomly somewhere, or go up to Maine for a couple of days. We'll see how it goes.

How to inflict pain

2005-05-31T02:17:00.001-04:00

I was looking for a picture that would help illustrate this blog and found this picture which, from the way it's labeled looks like a map on how to best inflict pain. Anyway...

Last Friday I got a massage from Willy. I had, gasp!, worked out on Tuesday and knew that my legs would probably need some work. Ho..ly..Shit but did that massage hurt. My calves, which are normally my trouble(read pain) areas felt great when he applied pressure. When he moved onto my thighs, however, I was writhing in so much pain. So I guess I have new problem areas or I had an awesome work-out on that stepper. At the end of the massage he spent so much time on my chest that I almost opened my eyes to say, "Dude stop playing with my huge boobicals."

*I just checked back on this picture and it's making a the post a little jacked. Sorry.

2005-05-27T07:16:00.000-04:00

My ticket for Vegas has been purchased. Awesome.
I saw Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy last week.

Star Wars: Didn't suck. Moments of laughter that I'm sure George Lucas did not intend included: "For reasons we cannot explain she has lost the will to live" spoken by a droid while twiddling it's thumbs, "My wife and I have always wanted children. We'll take the girl." (that senator Organa is an opportunistic bastard isn't he?), and "NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" accompanied by a Frankensteinish breaking of the bonds. I thoroughly enjoyed. I even teared a up a bit.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was hilarious. Some of it I remembered from the book and some of it I didn't. I'm glad that Eb and I and one other guy, who looked like he was sneaking out of the office on long lunch break, were the only one's catching that matinee because we could crack up without feeling like our joy was intruding on someone else's viewing pleasure or some such thing. Martin Freeman is adorable.

I found my camera. It was in a fleece pocket. Now if I can only find my tweezerman. My eyebush is getting out of control.

This morning I stayed up to chase the sunrise across the garden. These are my favorite pictures so far.

Catch up post

2005-05-19T04:59:00.000-04:00

I was house and pet sitting my sister's and her fiancee's house for the first 2 weeks of the month. Lest you think I forgot, "Hurray, hurray the first of May! Outdoor fucking starts today!" were uttered right on time. In the past 2, well 3 weeks now, I have come to the conclusion that I am not a dog person. It's just too much of a commitment.

Somewhere along the way I've misplaced my camera.

I got my grades. I'm very happy since I was praying for kindness from my organic prof. in order to get a C and got a B. Booya baby. The class with the hellish project paid off with an A and the other classes came off as expected.

Now that the stress of finals is behind me I think it's time to attempt the fast again. Last year's attempt was a failure because I tried to do it during the end of the semester. I could use a nice cleanse.

Today I finished reading:

Beloved by Toni Morrison

raw

and

The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields

gentle

This morning I purchased my ticket for Erasure. Boston here I come.

I heard that the invitation to Patty's wedding arrived in the mail. So I guess, Vegas her I come too.

No Erasure for me then

2005-04-27T23:20:00.000-04:00

My group did our presentation yesterday. It went ok. We were nothing spectacular. I just glad it's over.

My co-worker was suppose to get us tickets for Erasure. But he ended up getting tickets for last Monday night without realizing it. So that sucks. But I just saw on the website that the Boston show isn't sold out yet so Boston here I come!!

I ended up going to the Coleseum last night. I forgot how small that place was. The drag show went on for longer than I expected and we only got a half hour to dance before the place closed. Oh but baby, what a half hour it was. Unfortuantely I had 2 perfect margaritas with dinner, then moved on to beers at the club. My friend bought me a shot and I downed it without asking what it was. Jaeger. Noxious shit. I blame the resulting vomit on that shot.

When I got dropped off at the restaurant to pick up my car I saw that the new manager was still there at 2.30 in the morning. I was just going to drive off but something made me call in. It turned out he had lost his keys and was waiting for any one of his friends to call him back so that he could get a ride home and pick up his spare. So there was a good chance he was going to be spending the night at the restaurant. I offered to give him a lift and he wanted to go to the diner first. Since this was suppose to be our bonding night anyway (this is the co-worker who didn't get the tickets)off we went. Well hell...by 6.30 am I was wondering if I had ears left. This boy can talk! It was a good time and at least last night I didn't toss and turn until 7am having weird random thoughts of ex-lovers.

I'm a post-a-holic tonight

2005-04-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

I can't stop looking at my bruises so I'll share them with you too.

Random

2005-04-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

On my way to the massage I was stopped at a red light where a group was holding a fund raiser. This is normal at this intersection during the warm seasons. I was getting some of my loose change together so I didn't notice what the red lettering on his lime yellow vest actually said. It read, "HELP RETARDED CHILDREN". I gave the man my change and the light turned green before I could make an ass of him or myself.

Yesterday my group got together to work on the presentation portion of our project. Our president, Erin, had held up her part and gotten the project printed and bound and submitted right on time. Ron and I had stayed at school from Monday afternoon into 1.30am Tuesday morning editing and refining all the work everybody had submitted at that point. Erin then added the last finishing touches and took it to the printers. So, yesterday, this girl in our group has the balls to ask me why a portion of her work was not included in the submitted draft. I apologized immediately and asked her to tell me what had gotten deleted. I must have read these drafts 10 times during the editing process and the topic whose omission she seemed so pissed about was not part of the content I had edited. So I asked her when she submitted it and she told me with great indignation, "I submitted it Tuesday". I told her was that the project had to be submitted Tuesday at 10am and that Ron and I finished the edits at 1.30am Tuesday morning. I later shared this discussion with Erin who said, "What? Does she mean that thing sent me at 9 am Tuesday morning?!?!" If that shit was so important you should have submitted it earlier, or better yet, you should have been working on that shit with us Monday night.
So, to that girl in my group I say, I hope my meager donation today makes its way to you.

Cupping continued

2005-04-22T22:34:00.000-04:00

So I had Willy Cup my back today. Despite my previous assertion that I don't bruise easily there are now several bruises, 8 in all, on my back where I was cupped. They are about double the diameter of a silver dollar are intensely black and blue. More and more I think I have some sort of affinity for pain because I'm kind of digging my bruises. Anyway...I might have to find a new masseur..again. Willy asked for my number at the beginning of the session and I gave it willingly because I thought he might want it in case he moves locations. All good. But at the end of the session he kissed my hand when we did our whole "see you next time" thing. It kind of wierded me out. I stopped going to my last semi-regular masseur because some weird line was crossed when he licked my nipples. This isn't the same but it's still weirding me out.

the shit didn't hit the fan

2005-04-21T01:18:00.000-04:00

I had to do an awful thing this past Saturday but it was not as awful as the awful thing Cheto had to do.

One of my servers came up to me to tell me that someone from one of her tables just came back from the men's bathroom and told her that there was "stuff" on the walls. When she told me I just hoped and prayed that it wasn't what I feared. So, I sent one of my hosts to do a bathroom check and sure enough "stuff" was exactly what I feared it was.

Speculation flew among the staff as to exactly how "stuff" could be get that high on the walls. Some of the discussions went like this:

"Maybe he had to go really bad and by the time he got to pulling his pants down it just got the best of him"
"So...it projectiled out of him and made a 90 degree turn up the wall?!?"

"Were there hand marks?"

"Did anybody see a guy come out of there covered in shit?"

While all this was going on I had the awful task of telling Cheto, our dishwasher, to put on gloves, get the mop and bucket and NO I MEAN IT PUT ON GLOVES!, and go to the bathroom and clean it up.

You feel pretty low asking another human being to go clean up after somebody's errant shit. You feel lower still when you realize your glad it wasn't you who had to do the cleaning up.

Holy Crap!!! this project is sucking the life out of me

2005-04-19T00:59:00.000-04:00

1 a.m. and I'm still at school finishing up a project that I thought was pretty much done. Sucks to be me. Well, sucks to be Ron, Erin and me. Those are the other two from the group still working on this project.

the free weekend

2005-04-10T23:17:00.000-04:00

- Cleaned car thoroughly
- Cleaned Rosie's car not so thoroughly
- Laid about
- Did my taxes
- Helped with Annie's taxes
- Did not work on presentation
- Did not shower
- Enjoyed the amazing sunshine

I haven't had one of these in years!

2005-04-09T12:38:00.000-04:00

gasp!!! I have a weekend off!!!! Granted I have to spend it working on this crazy ass presentation for class and I had to work like a mad dog this past week to get it but still...I have a weekend off!!!

I think I burned my retina

2005-04-01T21:46:00.000-05:00

I came home last night after work and I was totally beat. I scarfed down some left overcioppino that my sister made for Good Friday dinner. I cuddled/molested the cat for a little bit and then passed out on the living room couch. I woke up to my sister yelling, "My god we can't hear the tv over your snoring. Go to bed!" while my brother-in-law giggled in the background. I mumbled something at them, turned over and went back to sleep. The next time I woke up the house was pitch black but I was sure that the sun was about to come up. It turned out to be only 12.30am. So I set my alarm (or I think I did I'm not sure) and fell into my bed. I woke up again at 3.30 and then finally 5.30 and decided that I just couldn't sleep anymore. I had left the lights on in my room from my earlier stumblings. I was staring at the white walls while my contacts tried to re-moisturize when I noticed that there were squigly lines all over the place. When I looked "closer" I realized that they were the same lines that I stare at all day at work as I map. I think the images of those lines are burnt into my retina. I need to learn to look away from the screen more often.

On the plus side I left for work early. I even stopped off at a diner and had a big 'ol greasy breakfast* and still got in to work at 7.30. Awesome.

*Diner owners please stop advertising Hormel corned beef hash as home-made. If you open a can it's not home-made. Unless you cook cabbages, peppers, and onions with a slab of cured beef and then grind it all up together it's not home-made. Damn, I always fall for it. When will I ever learn that only my diner has actual home-made corned beef hash.

Willie cupped me

2005-04-01T21:22:00.000-05:00

I just got back from a massage with Willie, my masseur, and he introduced me to cupping. I'd seen evidence of its existence in movies and never really knew what it was. It, my friend, is fantastic. My leg is, I maintain, much improved was still jump-out-of-my-skin-sore-to-the-touch when Willie tried to massage it. Let me explain my base-line for evaluating pain in my calves. You touch my calf when its properly warmed up, healthy and stretched regularly and I will simultaneously purr and want to scratch your eyes out. My calves hurt when they are touched. Period. When I get a massage with a new masseuse/masseur I always have to warn them about my reaction to being touched "down there". Still, it's the place I most love to be massaged. There's that hint of masochism again. When PT Tom gave me my leg massage it was both vomitous and delicious.

I've been going to Willie irregularly for about a year and he's gotten to know some of my body's idiosyncrasies. Specifically how much I love/hate but definitely need my calves to be roughed up. So there I was panting in pain as he applied pulverizing pressure to the left calf. Suddenly he walks out of the room. And all I could think was, "You get back in there slugger. Don't give up on me now." He might have said I'll be right back but I didn't hear him over the ringing in my ears. He comes back with a hot wet towel to heat up my leg and asks, "Can I cup you?" Were I completely ignorant I might have gotten offended or at the very least confused. As it was I did not contain my excitement. All I said was, "AWESOME!"

He ended up putting what felt like 9 cups all over my left calf while he finished with the rest of the massage. It was amazing! My leg still has some marks that may or may not bruise. I don't bruise easily so I'm not that worried. I feel amazing from the over-all massage. My leg feels incredible! There was a minute after he finished putting all of the cups on when I could feel a crampy ripple go through my calf and then it was gone and it then it just was all pressure and sweetness.

Next time I'm going to ask him if I can get cupped all over.

New Job

2005-03-29T23:26:00.000-05:00

I started a new job on March 16th. I should really say I started a new other job since I'm staying with the restaurant (damn this need for health insurance). It's with the same company that I worked for over the summer. Right now it's pretty cool. I'm learning how to navigate around AutoCad and some of what I'm learning there is coinciding with my GIS class. I hate having to drive and hour to an hour and half to work though. Everytime I sit in traffic this high pitched voice in my head starts chanting, "emissions...emissions...emissions..." So I've been keeping a crazy schedule for the last two weeks.

Monday: wake as early as possible which usually means 8 after my alarm has been going off for 2 hours. Go to day job. Leave at 3 so I can start at the restaurant at 4. Get home around 2-2.30am

Tuesday: wake up at 7 go school and work at the computer lab until 12.50pm. Play volleyball for about an hour. Go to class. Get home around 7-7.30pm with every intention of studying for organic (hasn't happened yet).

Wednesday: Wake up at 6 and go to day job. Leave at 5 to get to night class at 6. Get home around 9.45 with every intention of studying for organic (not here either).

Thursday: Wake up at 6 and go to day job. I can stay later now though since my Thursday night class won't meet again until the end of April. No organic this night either.

Friday: Same as the Wednesday schedule except I leave at 4:30 to get to organic.

Saturday: Either work from 12pm to 10pm+ or close the restaurant and work from 5pm to 2.30am

Sunday: Unintentionally but fairly predictably sleep all day until I have to get up to get ready for work. Work from 4-2am.

I'm pretty tired and I notice that I'm getting cranky at the restaurant again. By the end of the month I'll probably be a raving bitch. I hope not. I told my boss that I'm feeling a little burnt out and that I need one weekend any weekend off in the next month or so. We'll see if that happens.

As a result of my recent schedule I've developed a facial tic. No surprise since I spend most of the days staring intently into a computer monitor. Sometimes I look at the screen for hours before I remember that I'm suppose to give my eyes a break at which point I gasp audibly and stand straight up to stretch my legs while I'm at it. This use to startle the two women that I share the office with but I think they've gotten used to it. So now I have regular and frequent spasms on my left eyelid and underneath my left eyebrow. I've got a little over a month of this schedule until the semester ends. Hopefully, the rest of my body won't fall apart before then.

My love affair with the pomelo

2005-03-18T00:33:00.000-05:00

I have this fear that I make up memories for myself, that the things I remember are amplified versions of what really happened. I remember my entire family riding on my father's motorcycle. At the time that was my father, my mother, my two older sisters and myself. My father died when I was two years old. I don't remember what he looks like. My mother has pictures of him but in my memories he is a body with no head or a body with surroundings but a hole where his head should be just like the pictures in the albums I use to flip through when I was younger. Some village old wife had cut his head out of all the pictures in order to keep him from haunting us so that there was a hole everywhere his head should be. So in my motorcycle memory all five of us are on this light blue motorcycle with my father at the helm. Behind him sat my mother and behind her were my sisters. I sat on the handle bars but that doesn't even seem possible to me so I must have been on his lap. I remember feeling the vibration and the bumping and I remember laughing. Over the years I convinced myself that I'm wee bit nuts and that I was probably too young to make memories then. I went to the Philippines when I was 20 and I asked around and his brothers and sisters remembered that bike and my mom remembered us all riding on it. I'm glad that memory is true. It's the only one I have of him.

I remember this gigantic fruit that use to fall from a massive tree, the kind they use to make you write essays about in SAT's, near the school-house where my mother taught. I remember that they were so big I could barely pick them up. When I did manage to get them I remember that for a long time I wasn't strong enough peel the rind to get to the sweet pink center because the skin was too tough for me to break. I've described them to people as basketball size grapefruits, only sweeter. About 5 years ago the local super-market started stocking pomelos.

They looked vaguely familiar. Like an oversized grapefruit but certainly no basketball. After I got through the rind and heard the crack as a opened it in half, I knew. This was it or a version of it anyway. This was my chimera, my basketball fruit. When I take the first bite of every pomelo I remember the Philippines. I remember the mugginess when a storm is just a drop of moisture away. I remember catching beetles, tying string to one of their legs, keeping them in match boxes and letting them out to fight somebody else's beetle. I remember that massive fruit tree and having to be careful when standing under it when the fruit was ripe because they'd been known to knock you down if they hit you just right when they fell from their own weight. I remember the motorcycle rides with the man with a hole where his head should be.

I want to be the shadow that moves gently through the night

2005-03-15T19:19:00.000-05:00

YeeeeHAA! I got a job today working for the same company I interned with over the summer. I don't really know what it is except that I'll be working with some CAD programs. I start tomorrow morning. It's a temporary position so I'll be staying at the restaurant since I get my health insurance through them. Things at work have been getting pretty heavy lately. Ever sice my old GM left the love-fest that was the restaurant has turned into misery.

I called PT Tom this afternoon to tell him that the leg was all better and that I wouldn't be coming back.

It really sucks that I'm on spring break and I'm flat-ass broke. I have exactly $21.78 in my bank account and $32.27 in my pocket until Friday. This week would have been a great time to indulge in some gambling mania. Perhaps it's for the best that I'm so poor. The good thing about the new job is that it should allow me to save up some scratch for my Vegas trip, for Patty's wedding, in August. Me in Vegas. I shudder.

I still haven't done my taxes. It's partly because I'm not sure if my brother-in-law has loaded up Turbo Tax to the computer yet and partly because I'll probably have to pay the IRS this year.

Yikes! I just realized that this is going to be my only day off.

Book Binging: Books for those with vulvas

2005-03-11T00:09:00.000-05:00

Yeah it's not as catchy but I don't like chic-lit and I don't understand why women embrace that term. I don't know any guy that goes near dick-lit.

I started this thing back in October to counter my re-occurring insomnia (it requires its own entry) and it works but what with being sick and all recently I stopped taking it and wouldn't you know it but my good friend insomnia is back. So, in the past week I've managed to get some reading done.

In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner

Ahhh. Any book about the contentious but underlain with love relationship between sisters I can relate to. Especially if there's a younger sister with a penchant for borrowing without asking. That was me for a long time. It's a weird book. It went really fast. It sucked me in before I knew it and when it was done my only reaction was "oh". The characters and the ending were forced and shallow but it's nice.

Trading Up by Candace Bushnell

O.K. a not too subtle gossipy book about real people. Candace Bushnell is the Jackie Collins of the Upper West Side.

Good In Bed by Jennifer Weiner

A much better read than In Her Shoes. It's funny and surprising and the characters are much better developed. The main character has a real bite to her.

Intimacy with my toilet boil

2005-03-09T05:50:00.000-05:00

Yick. I hate being sick. I've caught a 24-48 hour bug that my little sister brought into our house last Monday. Her's lasted over 24 hours and when I took her to the doctor she ended up getting two I.V.'s of to get her fluid levels back to normal. My brother-in-law caught it Saturday and was fine by Sunday. My older sister and I both started "showing symptoms"* around 5 a.m. Tuesday. I thought I'd be clever and take some of the anti-nausea medication that the doc prescribed to lil' sis' before the worst of it got me. So there I am laying in bed feeling the mouth-watering awfulness build up, knowing that I just had to keep my stuff down for about 20 minutes before that damn pill dissolved and kicked in. Alas, 10 minutes later I bade it farewell as I gripped the edges of my toilet boil, lest I fall off the earth. There's nothing like a good ol' gastro-intestinal related virus to make you wish you cleaned your bathroom more often.

*read: vomiting our brains out every hour on the hour

Fred

2005-03-06T02:27:00.000-05:00

I've started seeing a physical therapist to help me re-strengthen my leg. I hyper-extended my calf muscle a month ago while skiing. Enter physical therapist Tom. PT Tom went easy on me the first couple of times which was good since I had a notion that PT's are really sadists in the guise of care givers. But then I told him that I wanted to make sure that I was ok to start running. That's when he brought out the machines. My last session he strapped me to all sorts of things and really worked out my left calf muscle. At the end of the session he decided to rub my calf muscle and "break it up a bit". When he pushed up the leg to my jogging pants I realized in momentary horror that it is the middle of winter and I a)barely even shave during the summer never mind winter and b) tend to get veeeeeeeery ashy during the winter but then I got over it and only felt a twinge of sympathy?/regret? when he paused and then said, "I'm going to get some lotion."

He put his hand on my leg and immediately demanded, "What IS that?"

Me: That's Fred.
PT Tom: What's Fred?
Me: Fred's the knot in calf. He's been with me a long time.
PT Tom: oh

The Gates

2005-03-01T02:54:00.000-05:00

My sisters and I took a quick trip to NYC this weekend to see The Gates in Central Park. I've been mulling it over and I came very close to dismissing it and assigning the "it was ok" response when asked what I thought. And now, I have to admit that it's a little more complicated than that. The concept itself is simple. Take a pretty thing. Repeat pretty thing 7,500 times. Repetion is comforting. It allows us time to adjust and absorb and apreciate. Repetion at consistant intervals provides a sense of continuity and stability.

When I looked at the gates I was mostly awed at the fact that it got done. I imagine the red tape of permitting and the logistics of the people and materials and ultimately felt grateful for the gift from Christo and Jeanne-Claude.

I run into walls

2005-02-17T04:49:00.000-05:00

Wow. I haven't posted since October and apparantly I was so frustrated with trying to post the above picture from October 7 that I just simply stayed away for a while. I know it was around that time that blogger was doing a bunch of updates and things weren't that easy but man is this ever a good example of how I operate.

I run into walls. Usually it's the minor ones that stall me for ages. Whatever task it may be that I am trying to accomplish I come across some small obstacle and it delays me for a disproportionate amount of time. Big stuff I'm ok with. The more imposing the better. I've got a "can-do" spirity ya'll. But the small stuff, sometimes I sweat them.

Another example is the the fact that I didn't return to school for seven years because I didn't want to tackle the financial aid papers. I had it in my head that it was too difficult. When I finally got around to filling them out it was a cinch. Seriousely, I think it took me a maximum of 2 hours to get all the papers filled out and submitted.

This just happens to tie in with my ability to procrastinate. Alas, this is my windbag way of saying that I'll update more often.

Book Binging: The Short Happy Life of the Brown Oxford: And Other Classic Stories

2004-10-05T13:24:00.000-04:00

The Short Happy Life of the Brown Oxford: And Other Classic Stories by Philip K. Dick

Alright, alright. I've finally gotten around to reading Phillip K. Dick. The man is everywhere it seems. And it seems that I still don't fully get what the big deal was about. I probably need to read more of him to put him in context. Granted that the man came up with some excellent, original concepts for his stories but the the writing ranges from good to aweful. But, the concepts, being so wonderful, were thought provoking and refreshing even two decades after his death when I'm sure he's been robbed blind by creative parasites.

Book binging: Murder List

2004-10-05T13:18:00.000-04:00

Murder List by Julie Garwood

This book was really disappointing only because I've enjoyed her other books so much more in the past. I was only half suspended. It was weird. While I was reading it I couldn't put the damn thing down but when I finished I definitely felt tlet down. I'm sure it would make an excellent vacation read.

Bush don't think good.

2004-09-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

Bush don't talk good.

Book binging: High Fidelity

2004-09-04T15:37:00.000-04:00

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby

It's a gas. No, really it is. I am completely enamored with Nick Hornby's writing. I was in the book store a couple of nights ago killing time with Rosie and found myself helplessly drawn to his shelf. I passed over "High Fidelity" and "About A Boy" since I'd seen the movies and wasn't in the mood to do a comparison. Instead I picked up "Fever Pitch" to keep me entertained while we waited for my brother-in-law to meet us for dinner.

"Fever Pitch" is a non-fictional account of Hornby's obsession with soccer. I knew none of the soccer heroes to whom he frequently referred and I know almost nil about soccer and I'm sure several British cultural references were beyond me. Yet, as I sat at one of the benches and round tables in the kids section of Barnes and Noble I found myself thoroughly engaged and often snickering through whole chapters. The guy is that good.

All too soon it was time to go to dinner and I decided not to purchase the book, what with school coming and I'll be way too busy for pleasure reading and all. Two days later, err yesterday in fact, as I purchased my text books I again found myself standing in front a shelf searching for Nick Hornby books. My choices were much more limited and it was between "About A Boy" and "High Fidelity". Rather than just shrug and give it up I bought "High Fidelity", John Cusack never far from the back of my eyelids. That's how much of a pull his writing has on me.

Despite my vague recollections of the movie I can be pretty sure of it when I say that the movie stayed true to the book. I am positive that the book stayed true to life. And life is as angst ridden and ambiguous as its portrayal in the book. Pieces of reality fall out of this book over and over. I can't wait to read the next Nick Hornby I can get my hands on. The guy is that good.

"Ass deep in bog water" coming soon

2004-09-02T15:35:00.000-04:00

I'm concentrating right now on getting my work and school schedules to gel while trying to pin down when I'm suppose to graduate. I want to tell the tales of the marsh but lemme gather me thoughts a wee bit.

Book binging: Four Past Midnight

2004-09-02T15:32:00.000-04:00

Four Past Midnight by Stephen King

Eh. It was something to read when I was too wired to go to sleep despite being exhausted from marsh madness. No stand out stories suprisingly just a decent read.

After yet another sleepless night...

2004-08-05T07:37:00.000-04:00

I find that Gunther says it all.

Ass deep in bog water

2004-08-04T03:01:00.000-04:00

This is how I am referring to my upcoming internship at an environmental consulting company. I'll be spending 14 hour days, 7 days a week for aproximately 3 weeks in south western New Jersey taking some bio-samples and evaluating the vitality of the coastal wetlands.

Book Binging: All The Names

2004-08-03T02:12:00.001-04:00

All The Names by Jose Saramago

When I finished this book last night I was at a loss. What gives? Should I have not read it during those intervals when I was tired and my lids were drooping. Somewhere in that in between of awake and asleep, did I miss the finer nuances of this Nobel prize winning author? Then I realized it was just the ending that through me off and leaves me with a sense of now what?
I loved reading it. It is bittersweet and just plain funny at times. It is honest about people's relationships with each other and with themselves. It is about loneliness and how it can be channeled. It is about the fact that despite all the names which in the end are meaningless we all hold a true desire to search out love regardless of whether we find it or not.

Book binging: How To Be Good

2004-07-28T06:19:00.000-04:00

How To Be Good by Nick Hornby

This portrayal of marriage is terrifying. While I've seen/heard it in other forms in as many words that life holds no guarantees the question posed is still disconcerting. The one you love now...will he/she be the one you will still love tomorrow? Somehow, the extremes in life seem easier to handle with a partner but what about the mundane? Is your relationship strong enough to withstand the daily grind? Bringing all of my own issues into it I found myself more scared reading the realism in this book than reading a Clive Barker gore-fest.

Book binging: The Life of Pi

2004-07-28T06:08:00.000-04:00

Life of Pi by Yann Martel

This is one of those rare books that can be recommended to everybody. Yes, that's right, everybody. It contains a magic that is devoid of mysticism. After I closed the book I sat upright and just had to cry. Not a few tears. Not a few minutes. These were great heaving sobs mourning and celebrating whatever it is that allows us to make it through terrifying events in our lives and remain whole, changed, but whole.

Read it.

Book Binging: The Opposite of Fate

2004-07-24T02:47:00.000-04:00

The Opposite of Fate: A book of Musings by Amy Tan

I love books like these. They're the equivelant of a backstage pass. It's a chance to get to know Amy Tan without being a stalker.

Book Binging: No Touch Monkey

2004-07-24T02:33:00.000-04:00

No Touch Monkey by Ayun Halliday

Yay!!! Finally, a travel book that deals with the realities of travelling on the cheap. As a wannabe back packer this was a great read. It addressed several hygenic realities without ever forgetting that adventure can be found only with an open heart and a well developed sense of humor. I spent the majority of reading this book grinning like an idiot. I stopped grinning only to laugh out loud like a fool.

Book Binging: I, Robot

2004-07-23T22:15:00.000-04:00

Why read one book when you can read several? Truth be told, I've gone for a good month or so without reading a book so it isn't surprising that I've gone on this most recent book binge.

When I saw that I, Robot by Isaac Asimov was finally coming out as a movie I could barely contain myself. The re-make of Stepford Wives was memomorable only because it had the I, Robot preview. I bought another copy of the collection of stories to remind myself of the basics. I can't believe I forgot so much. The story lines I remembered and the main characters came back to me easily enough. What I forgot was how much I loved Asimov's writing. I forgot the grace of his logic, the unerring clarity of his prose and the unflagging optism his work contained. Reading I, Robot again made me feel like a 10 year old, sweating out a hot summer day on the couch, not hearing my mother calling for me to do this thing or that thing because the stories were too good to put down. I forgot how I cried in April 1992 during a performance of My Fair Lady at my high school when, somehow, I found out that he had died. I cried for him but mostly I cried for me because I always thought I'd get to meet him. I forgot how I read everything of his I could get my hands on, the fiction and the non-fiction, until, finally, sometime during the summer of my junior into senior year of high school I could read no more because I had gorged and was too spent to keep reading him. I didn't pick him up again until I ran across Yours, Isaac Asimov: A lifetime of letters. It was in the bag that got stolen that night I got held up at gun point in the parking lot of my apartment complex when I lost my voice screaming for help as the hooded gun man fled. The bag, book and voice were eventually recovered but I couldn't bring myself to pick it up again because everytime I tried to read it my throat closed up and I could feel rounded metal against my temple. Despite all this that I've forgotten I have always remembered that Isaac Asimov was my first favorite author. I'm not sure but I think he mostly still is.

Which made the viewing of I, Robot, the movie so much more horrific for me. I watched as the stories, characters, and yes the 3 Laws got twisted around a shoe commercial. Gone is the logic. Gone is the clarity. Gone is the optimism. In their stead is smarmy, smug one liners that don't begin to do Asimov justice. I have since found out that the filmakers have indicated that the movie was "suggested" by the work of Isaac Asimov. "Suggested" is the best description of the diluted product you see on screen. I look forward to reading Harlan Ellison's screenplay of I, Robot, the one that didn't get made into a movie.

2004-07-10T20:50:00.000-04:00

Finishing the close out wasn't too bad and it didn't take me as long as I thought. But I stayed at the restaurant until 9.30am to wait out the traffic then headed down to Sandy Hook to do some hiking. I tried breaking my feet in, in preparation for this August. I walked over 2 hours through the sandy out-of-the-way roads in these

Despite claiming to have massage-knob footbeds if you don't wear socks with these things they will give you callouses quick-fast. Actually, I haven't tried wearing these things with socks yet so right now I am calling them bleeders because after my little hike I felt like my feet were bleeding from several small openings.

After my hike I sorely needed a dip in the ocean. It's been a few years since I've been to Sandy Hook so I forgot all of its quirks. Quirks such as the pebbles that line the coastline that dig into your feet (in my case feeling-like-their-bleeding feet). Once you make it through those there is the weird drop off that your not prepared for because you're just rushing to get away from the evil pebbles. And then there are the jellyfish. Ahhhh the jellyfish, those lovely gelatinous creatures that you're sure are sitting on your head or climbing in your ears that cause you to freak out in spasms danced to the rhythm of your own muffled shrieks every time your fingers or legs brush up against them. They are enough to drive you out of the water despite the prospect of revisiting those wicked pebbles. So it's off to the beach blanket where I prepared to sleep after 30 hours awake. Sleep was quick to come but not long enjoyed as I woke up in the middle of being devoured by what I now know to be greenheads.

I was wondering why I was continually yelping as these little bitches (only females bite (ain't it the truth)) gouged my flesh out and lapped up the blood while my neighbors would only periodically swat them away. As it turns out they seek out darker objects and can often miss lighter or white colored victims. So, I only got to really nap straight for an hour other than that it was these terrified bouts of being unconscious but still somehow being aware that the biters were out there.

I think it's safe to say that this experience precludes any future visits to Sandy Hook.

Crappie doodle doo

2004-07-09T04:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I locked myself out of the office tonight. I was closing the restaurant and I was feeling fairly cocky since the evening went pretty smoothly and I'd had no problems during the other closes I've had. I was ahead of schedule and for sure I was going to get out of the restaurant by 2 am, at the latest!

Oh no my friend. Oh no. I came out of the office to tell the bartender that his drawer was short and "click" I realized my keys were inside. With no access to the office I sure as shit wasn't closing anything down tonight.

I am feeling a little upset that I couldn't get a hold of the other managers. Twice I've been called when somebody else locked themselves out of the office and I've come running. Despite the myriad of phone calls no one could be reached. I tried the credit card trick. I tried climbing through the cieling. I considered breaking the door. I imagined some fantastic device that I would create that would slip under the door, flip up, hook on and turn the door handle. Alas, I had to make a choice. I could stay all night until someone with keys to the office came along or go home and wait it out in the comfort of my couch and Celebrity Poker Showdown for company.

So here I am awake at 5 in the morning because I don't want to go to sleep and miss being at the restaurant at 6 am when the first crew gets in. And in my head, playing on a loop, is that wonh wonh wonhhhh sound. I'll never hear the end of it.

Thank you Mr. Wilder

2004-07-06T20:09:00.000-04:00

My mood can best be described by the 1983 hit single Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder.

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground, oh no
I've got to keep on moving

You're on the road and now you pray it lasts
The road behind was rocky, but now you're feeling cocky
You look at me and you see your past
Is this the reason why you're runnin' so fast
And she said

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody gonna slow me down, oh no
I've got to keep on moving

I got my internship.

On a positive note

2004-07-06T01:34:00.000-04:00

I am really proud of this cairn that Laura and I built at Round Valley Reservoir.

Independence Day

2004-07-05T18:50:00.000-04:00

If you look closely at the picture below you can just make out Laura and myself sitting on her car as we watched the fireworks at Liberty State Park.

Immediately after the fireworks the following occurred.

On the way to getting a couple of drinks before calling
it a night we got stuck in the traffic of people getting in and out of Jersey City
after the fireworks. We idled for about a half hour inching our way
through the streets during which time Laura periodically said she had to go to the
bathroom and she had in fact started saying this the minute we parked
to watch the fireworks. At one point she floors it to catch a light
and makes a left and I'm wondering, "Where the fuck is she going the
car in front of us is already halfway into the intersection so where is
she making a left?" SHE MADE A LEFT ONTO A TWO WAY STREET AND PUT HER
CAR IN PARK ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND SAID
"SOMEBODY DRIVE I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I'LL MEET YOU AT DON
PEPE'S." I'm screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
DOING!!! WHERE'S DON PEPE'S but she's gone. Tim, got out of the back and
jumped in the drivers seat just as a cop walks over

cop: Are you alright?

Tim (nervously): Yes. I didn't put the car here. My friend had to go
to the bathroom

cop: Are you alright?

Tim (perplexed and stuttering): Yes. I didn't put the car here. My
friend had to go to the bathroom

cop: I mean are you alright in the head. You're going the wrong way

Tim (indignant): I didn't put the car here

Meanwhile, a large SUV seeing that we were in its way decided to barrel
towards us anyway flashing its lights at us and came to a stop as it
was about to kiss us fender to fender and
honnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnked indicating his displeasure but
giving us no room to maneuver out of his way. The cop then graciously
helped us get the fuck out of the way as the hecklers in the cars all
around has (having no where to go themselves, mired as they were in
deep traffic) shouted, "Give him a ticket!!" "Yeah! Give him a
ticket!!" If they had had tomatoes in their possession we would have
been gazpacho.

Other than that I spent a large part, too large a part, of the weekend feeling frustrated and bound because I had committed all of it to spending my time with one person or another. It reinforces my most recent hermitic habits. I feel no frustration when I go out into the world alone.

Summer Days

2004-07-01T12:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was lovely. Here is a recap.

We got off to a later start than was scheduled so we ended up at Seven Presidents Beach Park at noon instead of the 10 o'clock I had planned for. Re-reminder to self: Always meet Laura at the destination. In the end it worked out well as the sun was blistering hot and we left the beach at 2 pm and avoided the lethargy that accompanies all day beach outings.

The water was refreshingly cool and Laura, Annie, and I laughed at everything since the joy of floating in crisp waters underneath a brilliant sun can't be contained by these piffling bodies.

I find it interesting that now, when I am at my heaviest (I am 15 pounds away from being 200 pounds), I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to go about the beach in a two piece. The scared childrens be damned. It is with self conscious pride that I look down upon my brown tummy. OH TO BE BROWN!!! Now, I just have to get the breasteses up to speed.

We left just as the hunger hit and we drove the 5 minutes it took to get to Monmouth Park Racetrack where we devoured and drank our fill with my co-workers before going about learning how to bet on horses. I must admit to a great sense of relief that I am not enamored with betting on horses. It was a nice outing but I know nothing of horses and my betting was based on the names I liked and what little information was provided in the betting books we received. I am happy to conclude that my gambling problem is selective in nature and not pervasive.

Just when I thought my day o' fun was at an end an unexpected delight occurred. Rosie, Annie, and I got peticures and manicures! A rare occurrence for me. So rare, in fact, that this was only the second time the act(s) had been performed on me. I understand now the addictive properties that these sessions hold for so many women.

A lovely day indeed.

Today has proven to be less eventful yet no less lovely. I just finished reading Of Love and Other Demons by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. The book is beautiful. It is a mixture of dreams and reality and imbued with properties from both worlds. It's like reading a story I already knew but had forgotten about in the act of living and I needed each word written before I was allowed to remember. I finished reading it on the patio as the sun reached its noon peak and my skin was shiny with sweat. As the salts from yesterday's ocean swims and today's languid reading mixed I closed the book and left behind that familiar South American seaport.

i am the tree in the forest.i'll fall whether you're there to hear me or not

2004-06-29T03:29:00.000-04:00

Big thanks to Tim O. for causing that title. Working on expanding it.

Time to play catch up before July gets here.

I spent 2(and a half? a quarter maybe) days camping down in Wharton State Forest. I had been climbing the walls and feeling cooped up and all sorts of crowded. It was good to be alone in the woods. It was good to hike. It was good to kayak even if it was flatwater. I had my first attempt at sleeping under the stars but only made it to 3 a.m. before the dew drove me back into my tent. I'm finding that I am writing more in my photoblog and I hate to be repetitive so I'm being more concise here. That's pretty convoluted but I'm sure it'll sort itself out.

Had a job interview that got moved or cancelled, I'm still not sure which, due to schedule conflicts between my work and their meetings. Cross your fingers that I'll get in some time this week.

Closed for the restaurant for the first time. That went pretty smoothly. Only ran out of one thing and I figured out how to make it before anybody missed it. Yeah, I almost broke my arm patting myself on the back with that one.

Tim O had his "house warming". I saw Carsten, Cristina and Oscar very briefly as they were leaving whilst I was arriving. It was just long enough to feel Carsten consciously being cold to me. OK dude. Somehow I got lost coming back from Tim's and wound up in Mendham. What a lovely if inconvenient drive.

I went to Chaw and Matt's reception. It was a beautifully planned and executed re-enactment of their vows. Chaw is even more lovely pregnant. I ran into a couple of people that I met through Chaw or while we were roommates and it was awkward because on almost every occasion that I'd spent time with them it was for a very concentrated amount of time. I remember having fun and having lovely conversations but I found that I had nothing to say to them this day. "Hello, nice to see you again." was all I could get out. I had to really admire Asela's conversation skills. She has a graceful ability to fill in the awkward moments. These days I just sit through the awkward moments and wait 'till something comes out. I really enjoy people that can ride those out with me.

It was coincidentally Asela and Emilio's 5th wedding anniversary. After we left the reception we decided to get some drinks in New Brunswick. Despite having spent our childhood in this area both Asela and I were unable to navigate the 2 miles from Piscataway to New Brunswick. And so for the second time that day I was lost. At least this time I had company. We eventually made it to New Brunswick.

Almost within an hour of arriving at the reception I had kicked off my heels, yep I was wearing heels, and was walking on the grass barefoot. Now that we had gone back into the paved world I had to put those same heels back on and I was reminded of the many reasons why I had not bought or worn heels in years. They numbered in the hundreds, those pinpricks and pinches of pain I felt as we walked around NB trying to figure out where to go. I could almost hear the my own echo from 5 years ago as I grumbled to myself, "Never again. No heels ever!" as my swollen feet popped out of those heels the moment we returned to the car.

The next day, this past Sunday, Emilio, Asela, Maura and I went on a long drive to Philly. The trip was made longer by, you guessed it, our getting lost. It wasn't too bad though since there was an Atlas in the car. We managed to navigate our way to the Brazilian Festival. On the way there was much ooooing and aaaahh-ing of life across the river. There was much speculation as to the lower cost of living in the Philly suburbs.

When we did get there a general sense of disappointment descended on the group as we realized that this was a much smaller festival than we had grown accustomed to. Newark and New York have spoiled us for street festivals, where the streets are so thick with bodies you can't help but exchange fluids with strangers. Since there were few vendors selling food we decided to chuck the whole Brazilian themed hunger that we had cultivated on the drive and went into Lucy's Indian Cuisine. We spent three hours in that restaurant helping ourselves to the buffet letting our stomachs settle before getting seconds. We relaxed and killed time waiting for the festival to fill up a little by pondering on the logistics of the digestive process within a street fair context. We'd be damned if we would get caught with a voiding emergency in those porto-potties. Speaking of which, I saw a couple walking around the fair barefoot. Normally I'd think Wow they have tough feet or Wow they're really getting into the festival but since they were waiting in line to the porto-potties all I could think was DAMN that's taking adventurous too far.

As a result of this weekend's merry making, from Tim O's to the festival, I woke up this morning rather puffy and feeling weak and tired. Aaaaahhh the drawbacks of liquor and salty foods.

I'm looking forward to Wednesday when I can enjoy my favorite beach, a little horse racing, and you can be sure there will be gambling. What more could a girl ask for?

Experimenting

2004-06-16T01:55:00.000-04:00

Well I had three buttermilk shrimps today and nothing seemed to happen. Maybe it has something to do with quantity.

It happened again

2004-06-14T16:17:00.000-04:00

Last night before I got out of work I decided to have a bit to eat. Immediately after I finished my buttermilk shrimp with white rice and vegetables I felt the right side of my face get itchy. I thought it was just some stray hairs. I went back to the office to finish closing out and one of the servers came up to me and said, "Hey the hives are back" Sure enough there were large red welts, larger than last time, up and down the right side of my face. I didn't take anything this time and after about an hour or so they were no longer noticible unless of course I told you about how I almost died from the shrimp.

Anyway, this brings me to a troubling possibility. I may be allergic to shellfish! I don't know if I can live with that. This is only two shrimp instances though. I thought I ate the same exact shrimp/rice/veggie combination sometime this week and don't recall having a reaction. Maybe the severity differs. Oh shrimp! Oh lobster! Oh clams! Oh crabs! Bring on the hives. I'm not giving those babies up.

Under Morris Goodkind Bridge

2004-06-10T17:59:00.000-04:00

Secretly, I'm a troll. This being what it is I found myself desperately trying to find a way to get under the Morris Goodkind Bridge which spans the Raritan River to connect New Brunswick into Edison. I've gone over this bridge hundreds of times in the over 20 years that I've lived in this area and always looked over the railing and wondered, "What the hell is down there?"

Well yesterday was the day I answered half of that question. I took the first exit off of route 1 north after going over the bridge and just kept going right towards where I thought the bank would be. I knew I was getting close when the temperature dropped 10 degrees. I went through a neighborhood I would not have thought would exist in Edison. I'm talking lovely foliage along the way that made me think I was on my way into a forrest.

The northbound side or the side towards Sayerville almost immediately underneath the bridge houses the Raritan River Boat Club. I wandered in in my pink sarong, red shoes, green shirt and asked the first person I encountered if I needed permission to wander around the dock and take pictures. The half naked, very sunkissed man was very friendly and I think slightly drunk and said I had permission as long as I didn't fall in.

So I spent the next couple of hours taking pictures. A lovely couple passed me on their way from their trailer to their boat and asked what I was doing. "Waiting for the sunset!" I noticed that the man was cradling his extra large bottle of bacardi light as though it was his first grandson. The woman came back about an hour later to ask me if I was comfortable, if I wanted to sit in their boat and have a soda. I didn't want to put her out plus I was raised during the don't talk to strangers phase of this country's growth and even though I'm a self reliant 28 year old it still haunts how open I am to strangers. I regret it in retrospect. There might have been good conversation. There might have been rum and cokes.

I got a couple of good pictures but not the sunset I was looking for since it was oppressively hazy and the sun disappeared beyond the bridge into Highland Park. I got to spend a couple of hours bobbing on the wooden docks watching a family of ducks swim back and forth, watching some kids race each other on their jet skis, watching people on the banks in the distance fish for god knows what all while trucks and cars sped past hundreds of feet above me unawares.

It was a good lesson in the rewards of wandering.

holy random batman!!

2004-06-06T17:59:00.000-04:00

I was on my way out of the restaurant after my shift when I realized was on fire! It wasn't a general blaze more like pin points of fire on my face that were spreading into my chest and man did I want to scratch. A look in the mirror and wham!!!! I had broken out into hives! AND in the back of my mind I'm going,"Wow I'm looking very unattractive today!"

WTF???? Parts of my face were starting to raise up in red welts. We sent somebody out to get me some Benedryl. I took it and an hour later the damn welts were gone. I have a vague notion that it was caused by somebody spraying some sort of scent all over themselves in the office. Very the bizarre.

Tick Tock Everybody

2004-06-05T04:43:00.000-04:00

So there I was sleep deprived and cursing myself for the defect in my nature that compelled me to go to Atlantic City and when I knew I had a long demanding shift ahead of me when one of my servers comes running into the office where I was trying to lay low for a couple of minutes.

"Call the ambulance a guy's collapsed!"

Having no idea what was going on I called 911 and relayed everything I knew. The cops were there in 5 minutes and the ambulance followed shortly thereafter.

I found out later that his name was Paul. Today was Paul's 38th birthday. He, his wife, and their 4 young children were on their way from Connecticut to West Virginia to meet their family for vacation. They stopped in the restaurant to get a bite and rest from the road. It being a busy Friday night we were on a wait and while he was putting his name on the waiting list his wife went to the bathroom leaving the 4 young children with Paul. As he was talking to our host he said, "I feel like I'm going to faint." Down he went. The wife came back to find her husband down in our foyer and a crowd gathering and her children in a panic. She spent the next few minutes clutching her children and her husband praying. They performed CPR and defibrillated him. Eventually they took him into the ambulance where they continued to try and resuscitate him. They declared him dead at the hospital but they think he was dead before he hit the ground.

I have a gambling problem

2004-06-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

So if acknowledging you have a problem is the first step, can somebody tell me what the next step is?

I finished watching the first episode of the second series of Celebrity Poker Showdown around 3.30 am this morning and for some reason felt like I could conquer the world. And off I went! You guessed it, AC. Arrived at 6am and played until 12pm. Lost. Enjoyed myself. I'm realizing that the 2-4 tables do not follow normal poker rules. Since it's so cheap to see the flop EVERYBODY stays in. What a crock... And now off to work to learn how to close the restaurant.

that damn Atlantic City

2004-05-29T07:31:00.000-04:00

Yarg. Called Eb on a whim only to find that he was on 287 on his way to AC. And what of my promise to not go down for a while? Gone with the wind I tell 'ya. Me being the demanding friend that I am immediately yelled, "Come get me!!!" I had my first experience at the poker tables. Fun! I think the black jack tables are a thing of the past. We got there at 9:30pm and left at 6 am as agreed since I had to go to work at 9 am today. Lost.

There's hope

2004-05-28T03:42:00.000-04:00

Well I received replies to the queries that I committed to making a couple of posts ago. The EPA has confirmed that the positions they posted are already filled. So that's that. The private company however has tentatively scheduled me for an interview the week of June 7th. I hope I get it. I hope I get it.

If I do get it would conflict with the burning man trip since it will be a short intense period at the end of August. I'm cool with that. I'll go another year. I'd rather have the internship.